It's Okay Now

December 23, 2009 I drove home in tears. Six days preceding my 30th birthday and my future as an old maid seemed to be sealed.  Talking to God through tears, I left my heart in his hands and visited my family.

December 26, 2009 as I retraced my road back to Dallas one name came into my head and remained there for an hour… Johan Etsebeth.

December 29, 2009 I turned 30. (eek!)

January 3, 2010 I met up with my long-time friend, Johan, and everything changed.

February 21, 2010 We went on our first date.

… and then … we fell in love… Great love.

October 21, 2010 My South African man of my dreams with a heart for the nations, a passion for Jesus, a compassionate heart and a deep love for me… Asked me to marry him.

On February 11, 2011 we are getting married and I will get to be the wife to my best friend, my favorite person.

How can I possibly convey all that God is doing in my heart? How can I attempt to explain all of the tears I’ve prayed, questions I’ve asked and frustrations I’ve proclaimed prior to my 30th birthday?  How can I ever list out all of the ways that God has completely overwhelmed me with his goodness, grace, faithfulness and steadfastness throughout my time of waiting?  How can I ever explain to you the perfect package that God gave me when He gave me Johan?  How can I explain to you how my heart feels? How my Spirit feels? How my soul feels?

It’s simple. I cannot.  All I can say is that our God is faithful. He hears us when we call to Him. And, He answers.

And we– we simply stand amazed.

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Love this song!!

- Something in the Water, Brooke FraserTweet

I love Chick-fil-a… Not a romantic love (although we did toss the idea around for awhile), but more of a… “I love everything about how you taste” kind of love.  But the thing I love most about Chick-fil-a is that the leadership has a voice that goes beyond a brand.  They are a voice for family, faith and apparently even love.  Dan Cathy, CEO of this amazing gift to our country, wrote a post this week that really has me thinking.   In his post he said,

As I look on their marriage and the marriages around me, I am struck by a simple truth – Love is hard. I wish it was rainbows and sunny days all the time, but it’s just not. And one of the hardest things about love is that to experience it, you have to be willing to experience grief.

You don’t get to hand pick the things you want to open your heart to and the things you want to keep out. To open your heart to love is to open your heart to wide range of emotional experiences. To surrender your heart to love is to surrender your heart to a world of feelings and situations. One of which, is grief.

I really don’t have much more to add to that.  I just agree.  To open yourself to love is risky business.  Likely no matter how amazing it is, it probably will include hurt at some point. However, love is worth it. And any chance I get to love, I vow to choose it. Even if it hurts in the end, I want to love bigger today than I did yesterday.  Because a life without love, is no life at all. (Yes, that’s from Ever After)Tweet

It’s not always as it seems…

He was mean, quite honestly, and half the things that he said hurt my feelings… painful.
She was rude and pretty much acted like the world revolved around her… obnoxious.
He was arrogant, and his arrogance was like nails on a chalkboard… infuriating.
She was pious, and acted as though she was the only one that knew the right answers… belittling.

Yet…

He was one of the most giving people I knew and would have taken a bullet for me in a heart beat… loving.
She was wise and beneath her calloused layers, she gave me profound opportunities and offered me hope… encouraging.
He had a heart for people and when he gave to the poor he gladly gave generously, not sparing anything… humbling.
She loved people with all of her heart and her desire to help others would often leave her neglecting her own needs… sacrificial.

It’s not always as it seems.  Beneath every layer of good, bad and ugly, you’ll find a human heart and a human spirit.  And that’s what I love.  It may not be the outward layer that I see at first glimpse, but beneath that layer, I love what’s there… beneath that layer, I love you.

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“All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is exclusively my own.”

- Goethe

My cousin, Jacob, posted that. I can’t stop thinking about it.  There are so many things that we use to define success: cars, houses, bank accounts, influence, children, job titles…  But at the end of the day, no matter what we attain, where is it going to leave us?  It’s okay now?   What does that even mean? This quote defines the underlying core of everything I strive to attain.  Freedom of Heart.

I had a paper route when I was little.  I remember riding that route in sixth grade and collecting the money from my “clients” (Are you allowed to call them clients when you’re 12?) One thing I learned at 12 was that people can be mean. I remember being 12 and thinking about how I needed to make sure that I forgave people every time I got a chance, because the bitterness and hardness that I found in some of the elderly people on my block handicapped them more than their physical ailments ever could. There is a distinct difference between adults that have taken care of their heart and those that haven’t.  When you don’t there is bitterness, anger, resentment, jealousy, envy and no matter how you try to hide it, the warmth of love leaves and that’s no way to live.

Today as I think on that quote, I am once again challenged, to live with freedom of heart. No matter where success may take us, I think we’d all rather live a low life with the fullness of freedom in my heart, than to be plagued with the unforgiveness of years and the resentment for what life could have been. 

Life is what is and it will be full if my heart is free.

What are your thoughts?  How do you protect your heart from bitterness, anger and envy?Tweet

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)Tweet